Rattling thoughts

Can I be honest? I hate "parties" for me.... ughhh... today was painful. It just makes me really uncomfortable and then I always start second guessing myself, and hearing underlying sarcasm in everything people say to me. Noticing their annoyed, tired eyes. I usually leave feeling awful, and regretting even thinking about a party.

Blehk.

On a side note, I'm glad to be getting things out of the way. I'm ready to be moved. Not because I want to get away from anything/anyone. I'm just tired of being stuck in limbo. This in between state has been a little rough. But I love and trust my God, and He's the best friend a girl could ever ask for. As long as I'm spending time with Him, then I suppose I shouldn't care where I am.

Still... whineeeee.... that's the wrong attitude to have. Really all of the above stated is wrong thinking and wrong attitude. Ughhh it's just been a weird day. I'm ready for some Jesus time to wipe it away clean.

No more complaining.

I don't want to die with my face toward the ground.

A stone expression.

Permanently etched from head to toe.

A giant frown replacing what once was a smile.

It twinkled from within...

Like a secret held dear.

Noticed by the world.

A rare, freakish occurance.

It's not too late to shake those bonds and chains.

Excuses. Perversions of the truth. Dark, jaded eyes.

You can be rescued from the enemy of lies.

Or go ahead, quit living while you're young.

Cut ties, douse flames, bind hands, etch marble.

Harmless isn't it?

Sure, you could reason it away.

You could make an excuse.

Sure, they deserve it.

Sure, tie your noose.

It's turned into a disease.

Eaten you up inside.

Black as coal, dark as night.

Every day passes, another reason in sight.

Turning fresh wells of life into murky pools within.

Slowly choking out those sparkling eyes.

Who is this monster bound in sin?

A dragon from within.

Breathing fire, standing proud, 

Beat your wings, tear them DOWN!

Desolation? Isolation?

Is that really what you seek? 

Who is this person?

And for what? 

The price is great, the prize is cheap.

Have you ever been deceived into believing that complaining would just make you feel better? That you deserved to feel that way. People didn't understand how they were treating you or they didn't know what you were going through. You HAD to make them understand. Sometimes it can turn into an ugly competition. But at the end, when all is left said and done, you feel empty and grimy for what you've just done. We were not created to complain (although it's all we ever seem to do). We were created to celebrate and cheer. Get into battle and win. Doesn't that sound a whole lot better?

Kill Me.

Here's a poem I never got a chance to upload. Really, it's more spoken word... but I can't help myself

"Kill Me."

Pride clogging up my pores,
A film underneath the flesh.
Blocking out the Spirit,
Blocking out the Wind.

A removal of self.
Step out of the suit marked "I",
Filled with "How come" "Not me" and "Why".

To be free of all that hinders...
I usually fill that line with "me".
But wait a minute, that's not right.
Let me take that back.
I don't want to free me,
I want to free You.
To be free of all that hinders YOU.

I only want this, here, now.
I only want You.
But I thought I could do it alone,
Giving You the boot, giving You the highway,
Trying to find You, seek You my way.

So strip me of my own purposes,
Strip me of my plans,
Strip me of my pride, my dreams,
Of all the outward man.

It would be an honor,
No, it would be a dream,
To live with not an ounce left of me.
To have God hopes, God purposes,
And a heart filled with God dreams.

So forgive me.
Forgive me for trying to see You through me,
For trying to make You be what I wanted you to be.
A platform,
A way to stand, be noticed, be free.
I killed You to see me.
When in reality, that's the opposite of what needs to be.


So I'm asking You now,
Lord, please crucify me.
So You can have that platform and You can now be free,
You can now be noticed, You can now be seen,
You can now live out Your purpose,
You can now live out Your dreams.

I don't want to kill you.
So I'm asking you in this moment,
Will you please kill me.

If I had a diary, this is what it'd look like.

I find it interesting that on average my posts get viewed 4 to 6 times. But I share my testimony about getting molested at a young age and use the words "graphic details" and that one post has already been viewed 63 times by random passers by. At first I had to admit I didn't know how to feel about that. In truth, I still am not sure how to feel. However, if you accidentally read about Jesus because of a few poorly placed search words, then I suppose it's all worth while.

But that's not what I want to talk about tonight! I have a secret. And I've only shared with a few people. I'm moving from Bristol in January. I truly believe God is calling me away to Hamilton, AL.

I had to pause for a minute because my brain is on overload. There are so many things I want to say about this decision. I want to talk about apartments and The Ramp and leaving behind family and friends. The transformation that has taken place in my life. The faith I'm stepping out on. Going to GA in December. The looking for a job. The day dreaming. The preparation. The story behind it all. I could go on and on. It's a big step. I've been getting ready for it for a long time and just never realized it until recently. All I can keep saying is that it's a big step.... There's so much to say that I'm at a loss for words. Overwhelmed by it all, and still completely at peace. Strange feeling.I guess really that's all I want to say for now.

Anyways.... I told you this is what a diary of mine would look like. Scatter brained. Haha as David Overbay kind of once said, I've avoided actually talking by hitting all around the subject in question... But I'm just not ready to really dive into the subject at hand. Not just yet.

On a side note, I wish people would really spend time with Jesus. I'm ready for a genuine people to rise up. I'm sick of all this fake and forced and twisted. We push God into this little defined box and chase after "feelings" and goosebumps and what He can do for me me me... I'm just not satisfied with that anymore. Not when I've had the real thing. It is literally the only place I want to be anymore. I can't get enough. I'm addicted to feeling secure and loved and whole and happy and free and confident and special. And that's all because of my God! You don't have to force a God who loves you to move. He does it on His own. I can't help but crack a smirk when I think about Him. It's the "I love this guy with all my heart and I'm so glad He loves me too" grin. OHHHHHHH! My God is good! Thinking about Him makes me want to dance.

-Kailey (Peace easy lemon squeezy)

I'm so sorry for the poor grammar and lack of intelligent writing tonight. I'm too tired to care. Maybe it's purposeful and I'm writing in a stream of consciousness-esque style... kinda.....

I'm not sorry

Off kilter. Off balance. Fuzzy, awkward, damp, and cool. It was too familiar. The initial stages of a bad reoccurring dream. It lingers on. Another passing day and I still feel the same. Tiny similarities brushing past. Sirens luring you around the corner.

Everything in me revolts against the dream you're asking for. Not that it's a nightmare or a terrible thought.

It would be the death of you. If you would only realize. I need what you're not. To change you, morph and mold you into something else goes against nature. A crime against you, against myself.

I cannot apologize for my heart, although in a strange place, it's very light. To do the right thing only gives me more sight, into the future, into the bright white light that beckons and calls.

I'm not sorry. I refuse. It's like a small victory. To have the choice and choose. Oh how I chose. You can't understand the redemptive power this decision held. I'm not so weak, not so timid, not so carnal. To say no, and run screaming toward the light. Victory. Smile. Chuckle. Sigh.

It's not a slam on how cool or fun or interesting you are. This is not a square peg in a round hole scenario.... It's more like a square peg in in rectangular hole. You would only be swallowed up whole. Lost forever. Missing something. Awkwardly clanging around, while we both get frustrated at the noise. I don't expect you to understand.

I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I would ask how you were or care if you're angry. But the truth is I know I've saved you. I don't care if you can't see it that way or if you disagree or if there is something that you would change.

I came closer shaky and unsure, I heard His voice and simply did what He asked me to do. It's all I can do. Really, it was all for you.

Goodbye and goodbye, good memories. I hope at least there's some closure.